I am happily dating one woman I met through online dating. She is a wonderful person, and I am definitely feeling lovesick (though I'm mature enough to know that passes). However, though she has agreed to be my 'girlfriend' in her quiet way, she could not respond directly to an email I sent her asking for a commitment (I think people say 'exclusivity' these days). All she could say is that she felt embarrassed by my frankness and that in China it can often take up to six months for the love talk to get started. After six in-person dates I still have not even held her hand or cuddled with her. Still, I'm very attached to her.
But there is another woman I'm very interested in, and I haven't even seen her in person yet, though we've exchanged lots of photos and have spent hours chatting on Skype. I feel quite attached to her too, but in a different way. She is recently divorced and has a child, which appeals to me (I'm divorced and have kids too- they're with their mother). As long as we were just Skyping, I didn't feel any guilt at all. There has been no lying and no asking by any party. We're all 'dating' (getting to know possible partners) after all, though are ultimate intentions are serious. But now, she wants to see me in-person and is even talking about going on a trip with me. This complicates things considerably.
I like the shy woman a lot more (I've been actually seeing her after all) and would commit to her in a second if she asked. But I don't have a good idea how she feels about me though she emails me 5-10 times a day, we talk on the phone, etc. If she lets the relationship fizzle out I think my time would be better spent pursuing a new family situation with the second woman. Now I'm in a position where I could have to start lying or hiding things from the two. And actually, I don't mind being an intimate friend to a woman online while casually dating another woman. I don't consider that cheating and could fess up to it if asked. But I don't know if i want to be seeing two women at the same time, much less taking a trip with one. If anything gets physical or there is lying involved, it's got to be cheating.
This is happening quite fast. Should I exclusively pursue the love I've been smitten by, and should I keep pressing her for a commitment? Should I even use leverage (not my style- I'm not a manipulator)? I'm sure she likes me a lot, but not sure in what way. Then if she turns me down, I would devote myself to the second woman, who I also like a lot- well, based on chatting online anyway. Probably someone will get hurt from all this; most likely me and then I'll have to start from scratch. Love has it thorns. The thing is- so far- I'm not cheating. Right?
it's a dilemma one easily gets into before being commintted to another.
You should at least meet the second woman in person first,after all you like her a lot online.Maybe you'll like her more in person,maybe even more than the shy woman.
Give it more time.
This is rational and makes sense. Too bad the heart is not the same. People make 'start dating again' sound so fun and easy. Actually for me it's been stressful and full of up's and down's. But 'tis better to have loved and lost...'
In the end, I will go with my heart. I will not cheat on my present girl. And I will not see the second girl if it makes me uncomfortable. But I won't regard meeting her and just talking as 'wrong' either. I have lots of friends who happen to be women.
Dating becomes cheating, when you ask
"When Does Dating Become Cheating?"
Agreed no more
smart answer :)
Thanks. Well, I do agree that you can't really know someone by chatting online, even if it's intimate. I believe what you know is their cyber persona. I'm not sure what you mean by risky, but if you mean jeopardizing the first relationship, I agree. Going on a trip would be out of the question. And yes, I can control myself.
Do you really think a stroll in the mall is cheating? Everyone has told (well, male friends) to date and date a lot of people. Isn't that the idea? And I haven't even held the first girl's hand yet- though I admit we're both very shy- and I can't even tell if this is forever platonic or leading to wedding bells.
Reading what all the good people here have to say, I realize that in my heart I don't really care about the 'cheating' question at this point, under these circumstances when no commitments have been reciprocated. The truth is, my second friend just yesterday asked me to meet her and while I thought I should be happy to finally do so, I now feel reluctant. I find I want to be loyal to the woman I'm dating and see it through. So I suppose I need to decline the invitation and tell her about the first woman. That doesn't sound like fun either. t never intended to hurt anyone.
I would never date two people at the same time, but a man and woman alone having dinner or coffee does not automatically infer romance. I have coffee with women sometimes just as friends. 'Just friends' is just that.
"a man and woman alone having dinner or coffee does not automatically infer romance. I have coffee with women sometimes just as friends. 'Just friends' is just that." You might see that but you must have realised by now (and if not you're about to) that you are living in the land of the Drama Queen and if you are having dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex she will see that as doing something bad. Some extreme cases would be just the simple act of saying "Hi" to someone whom you know!!
Absolutely. And I wouldn't my girl telling me about having coffee with a friend either. Be even more shocking to see her with someone, even if it's just innocent.
Discretion is the better part of valor in this case. And I tend to be leaning toward 'avoiding trouble' is the best plan of all.
However, I have a couple of exchange lessons with females too. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but I don't blab about it to my girl either. LOL
"After six in-person dates I still have not even held her hand or cuddled with her."
You are stuck in the friend-zone...so if you see girl #2, it isn't cheating...in fact, it would actually be a good thing, as it will make you more desirable to girl #1