When Does Dating Become Cheating?
I am happily dating one woman I met through online dating. She is a wonderful person, and I am definitely feeling lovesick (though I'm mature enough to know that passes). However, though she has agreed to be my 'girlfriend' in her quiet way, she could not respond directly to an email I sent her asking for a commitment (I think people say 'exclusivity' these days). All she could say is that she felt embarrassed by my frankness and that in China it can often take up to six months for the love talk to get started. After six in-person dates I still have not even held her hand or cuddled with her. Still, I'm very attached to her.
But there is another woman I'm very interested in, and I haven't even seen her in person yet, though we've exchanged lots of photos and have spent hours chatting on Skype. I feel quite attached to her too, but in a different way. She is recently divorced and has a child, which appeals to me (I'm divorced and have kids too- they're with their mother). As long as we were just Skyping, I didn't feel any guilt at all. There has been no lying and no asking by any party. We're all 'dating' (getting to know possible partners) after all, though are ultimate intentions are serious. But now, she wants to see me in-person and is even talking about going on a trip with me. This complicates things considerably.
I like the shy woman a lot more (I've been actually seeing her after all) and would commit to her in a second if she asked. But I don't have a good idea how she feels about me though she emails me 5-10 times a day, we talk on the phone, etc. If she lets the relationship fizzle out I think my time would be better spent pursuing a new family situation with the second woman. Now I'm in a position where I could have to start lying or hiding things from the two. And actually, I don't mind being an intimate friend to a woman online while casually dating another woman. I don't consider that cheating and could fess up to it if asked. But I don't know if i want to be seeing two women at the same time, much less taking a trip with one. If anything gets physical or there is lying involved, it's got to be cheating.
This is happening quite fast. Should I exclusively pursue the love I've been smitten by, and should I keep pressing her for a commitment? Should I even use leverage (not my style- I'm not a manipulator)? I'm sure she likes me a lot, but not sure in what way. Then if she turns me down, I would devote myself to the second woman, who I also like a lot- well, based on chatting online anyway. Probably someone will get hurt from all this; most likely me and then I'll have to start from scratch. Love has it thorns. The thing is- so far- I'm not cheating. Right?
Views: 496
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Poppy on -
it's a dilemma one easily gets into before being commintted to another.
You should at least meet the second woman in person first,after all you like her a lot online.Maybe you'll like her more in person,maybe even more than the shy woman.
Give it more time.
-
Permalink Reply by Abbey Dexter on -
This is rational and makes sense. Too bad the heart is not the same. People make 'start dating again' sound so fun and easy. Actually for me it's been stressful and full of up's and down's. But 'tis better to have loved and lost...'
In the end, I will go with my heart. I will not cheat on my present girl. And I will not see the second girl if it makes me uncomfortable. But I won't regard meeting her and just talking as 'wrong' either. I have lots of friends who happen to be women.
Thanks.
-
Permalink Reply by Ian Feng-Anderson on -
Dating becomes cheating, when you ask
"When Does Dating Become Cheating?"
-
Permalink Reply by Nelsie Geografo on
-
I wouldn't be so involved with someone I have not met in person, more so in considering a trip. I guess i am not that trusting. And as for photos... There's always photoshop. You might want to consider seeing her first to get to know her better but of course that is risky.
Anyway, anything you could not tell your partner or love interest right away is cheating even if it just an innocent stroll in the mall. (yep, even that on-line thingy with the second girl). I am afraid most women would not understand how you could date one person and still consider seeing another. If you already told the first girl about going serious about her, she's probably taking you seriously as well (with that attention she's giving to you of course) but still trying to take things slowly and would definitely be affected if you fessed up about the second woman. And of course, to date two girls at the same time would definitely be cheating.
-
Permalink Reply by Abbey Dexter on
-
Thanks. Well, I do agree that you can't really know someone by chatting online, even if it's intimate. I believe what you know is their cyber persona. I'm not sure what you mean by risky, but if you mean jeopardizing the first relationship, I agree. Going on a trip would be out of the question. And yes, I can control myself.
Do you really think a stroll in the mall is cheating? Everyone has told (well, male friends) to date and date a lot of people. Isn't that the idea? And I haven't even held the first girl's hand yet- though I admit we're both very shy- and I can't even tell if this is forever platonic or leading to wedding bells.
Reading what all the good people here have to say, I realize that in my heart I don't really care about the 'cheating' question at this point, under these circumstances when no commitments have been reciprocated. The truth is, my second friend just yesterday asked me to meet her and while I thought I should be happy to finally do so, I now feel reluctant. I find I want to be loyal to the woman I'm dating and see it through. So I suppose I need to decline the invitation and tell her about the first woman. That doesn't sound like fun either. t never intended to hurt anyone.
I would never date two people at the same time, but a man and woman alone having dinner or coffee does not automatically infer romance. I have coffee with women sometimes just as friends. 'Just friends' is just that.
-
Permalink Reply by Kris on -
"a man and woman alone having dinner or coffee does not automatically infer romance. I have coffee with women sometimes just as friends. 'Just friends' is just that." You might see that but you must have realised by now (and if not you're about to) that you are living in the land of the Drama Queen and if you are having dinner alone with a member of the opposite sex she will see that as doing something bad. Some extreme cases would be just the simple act of saying "Hi" to someone whom you know!!
-
Permalink Reply by Abbey Dexter on
-
Absolutely. And I wouldn't my girl telling me about having coffee with a friend either. Be even more shocking to see her with someone, even if it's just innocent.
Discretion is the better part of valor in this case. And I tend to be leaning toward 'avoiding trouble' is the best plan of all.
However, I have a couple of exchange lessons with females too. There's nothing wrong with it at all, but I don't blab about it to my girl either. LOL
-
-
If that innocent stroll in the mall or 'just friends' coffee is something that you can't readily talk to your partner, that's cheating. Cause if it's not, why do you have to hide it? And it isn't something like, that stroll in the mall thing is something where your officemate and you agreed to have a quick lunch then return to office for a deadline or something (even that is something you could readily talk to your girl). I am not saying the act itself is cheating. It's WHY you have to hide it that makes it cheating. My bloke tells me he'd hang out or had a two-hour coffee with this lady back home or plans to have dinner with other people, female friends. Yep only he and the lady, and I don't mind even if I don't know the other person very well. The fact that he's telling (whether it's happened or something planned) makes me trust him. Anyway, I don't know exactly what's with you and the first girl. Of course only you could tell. It seems that she likes you a lot. And it seems that you have a silent agreement of what you two are to each other (that's what made me confused actually). If you're just starting to go out or flirt with people without commitment, no matter what the number is, yep that's not cheating.
-
Permalink Reply by Trent Golden on -
"After six in-person dates I still have not even held her hand or cuddled with her."
You are stuck in the friend-zone...so if you see girl #2, it isn't cheating...in fact, it would actually be a good thing, as it will make you more desirable to girl #1
© 2013 Created by Asia Stuff Media.
